Fellow Americans, in light of the deadly virus that is currently plaguing the world and so viciously attacking our beloved American economy, I offer this simple and Swift* modest proposal: Human Sacrifice.
Before you rush to condemn human sacrifice, consider our military. Whether we are talking about WWII, Vietnam, Iraq, or current wars, hundreds of thousands of men and women sacrifice themselves regularly for the greater interests and profits of The Nation. There are other American examples of human sacrifice, such as slavery and the death penalty, but these are bitter-tasting and harder to swallow. Perhaps the best and most appealing example I can think of is Jesus Christ. Did not God sacrifice his only begotten Son to save the economy?
Who among us, you may be asking, will be sacrificed? The Corona infected, of course! Why inundate hospitals with sick people, fight over PPE, and waste precious resources on expensive ventilators? We must sacrifice the weak and we need not reinvent the wheel. We already have a universal system of inequality in place that will assure disproportionate sacrifices fall among the most vulnerable. However, having stated the obvious, I ask that you chew on (pun intended) the following idea with me. Let’s also periodically select and sacrifice an individual of the higher, otherwise protected, classes. This will help safeguard against total revolt by the salty proletarians.
The sacrifice of chosen humans is not only wise and timely, it can also be profitable. Hear me out. The meat of the sacrificed can be safely sanitized with hydroxychloroquine and then processed, seasoned, canned, and sold. In other words, let’s eat each other!
I assure you that the flesh of a human is no less edible than the flesh of cows, pigs, or chickens. After being carefully treated, the flesh of the sacrificed will be as safe and delicious as Spam or Vienna sausages. Opening up new human-processing factories and canneries across the country will also create jobs and stimulate the economy. Also, consider the revenue that could be generated from the sacrifice of the selected elite. How much would you pay for a can of Mitchel McConnell’s chin if he had one?
For the skeptics who doubt we can successfully execute such an enormous feat (feast), I say, nonsense! This is the United States of America! Of course, we Can!
Some of you will still find the thought of consuming human flesh repulsive. But that’s only because cannibalism has been given a bad rap. We simply need to re-brand. Take the Donner Party of the 1800’s, those White pioneers from the Midwest whose attempt to settle in California went awry. After a particularly harsh winter, where food and water became increasingly scant, the pioneers went at each other’s throats and then munched on their dead. Whereas the Donner Party has often been described as a “failed” expedition and used to highlight the less faltering aspects of human nature, we should praise these White settlers for exemplifying true bravery and sacrifice. Rush Limbaugh made this exact and exquisite point recently on public radio. Millennials could learn a thing or two about sacrifice from the Donner Party, he argued. When the going gets rough, the tough get to eating each other. Due to his zesty praise of cannibalism and his exemplary patriotism, I nominate Limbaugh as our first elite. Let’s eat Rush Limbaugh!
You see, cannibalism is not only at times necessary, it is also completely natural. You don’t need to go to college and study anthropology, science, or zoology to understand this principle. Just look at the rats. The shutdown of so many restaurants during the past months has led to a significant decrease of trash in commercial areas and urban centers. This has been devasting for our mammal cousins, the rats. American rats, who were used to feasting on New York Pizza and such are now going hungry and becoming increasingly aggressive. From New Orleans to Seattle, hangry rats are now sharpening their teeth and stalking the streets at night, attacking each other, eating the weak and even their own young to survive. Fellow Americans, do not think yourself superior to rats! We share a relatable nervous system, similar organs and physiology, and even our reactions to injury and infection are alike. These rats are leading the way! We must learn from these rats! You don’t see rats wasting their time on Twitter, endlessly criticizing the president, wearing ridiculous masks to protect each other. You don’t see them demanding extensions in unemployment benefits. You don’t see rats grappling with moral qualms about who dies and who lives. In closing, I say, we need not be ashamed of our own innate animalistic nature. We must embrace the Rat in us, for we too are hangry! In these most trying times, friends, we too must attack and eat our neighbors and even our children to survive and to prosper. From sea to shining sea, let freedom ring the diner bell! Let’s eat!
*Jonathan Swift wrote “A Modest Proposal” in 1729 in Dublin, Ireland. His iconic and satirical essay proposes what society should do with impoverished and starving Irish children who were believed to be burdening the country. In short, he argues that these children should be sold, cooked, and eaten.